“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.