if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
You Might Also Like
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Worst perfume name ever.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.