I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
It do be feeling this way.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.