Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
You Might Also Like
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Saw online –
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare