A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
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Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I love the National Park Service.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life