A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
drew a comic about my origin story
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT