If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”