Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Those are good neighbors.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016