I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.