“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I am having an out of money experience.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.