Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.