Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
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Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I never know how much to tip a cow.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE