If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
This is amazing.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.