I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
The Onion called it…again.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned