Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?