just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal