So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
crying
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby