My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
You Might Also Like
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”