I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.