Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.