Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
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A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.