google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
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[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…