I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.