LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Somebody’s lying.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.