me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
You Might Also Like
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
There’s only one good girl here!
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Thursday