“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I think we should hear other voices.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.