Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.