Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
fixed it
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The cashier just checked me out.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”