The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now