[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
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A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.