WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Meanwhile in Canada…
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.