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Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’ve been drinking.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.