Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”