Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.