Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Some people were born into their job.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.