Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
You Might Also Like
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
sry
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
omg leave her alone
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.