When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
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Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
The “baby” on the left….
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?