dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.