– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
The Birdles
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good