[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now