I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?