*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁