Don’t frighten the programmers!
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
cry laughing at this shit
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel