I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I think this cat is broken
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.