My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
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Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Good morning y’all ☀️