Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
why I oughta
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]