Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
finally found a reasonable question