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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
the greatest twitter interaction
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”