[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass