Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Waiting for the Charmin
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Why am I like this?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium